A Year of Answers
This is a guest post from a patient who lives in Europe. He has shared his remarkable journey about being infertile in the past. As I continue to be moved by his story and his fortitude, I asked him to write to us again. He is also the inspiration for the creation of The Turek Clinic Support Forum.
The road to where I am today has been hard, actually more like a rollercoaster, fluctuating between hope and despair. The past year has been both the best and the scariest one of my life.
Being diagnosed with azoospermia and going to all ends of the earth to learn that I do not have sperm of my own is now a distant memory. I have since started a new journey that lasted precisely 9 months and promises to continue far beyond that. God bless donor sperm.
I still remember the day it really hit me that I would in fact become a father. It was at the first ultrasound and I saw this 7-millimeter fetus and realized that this was really happening. That was, I think, the first moment I allowed myself to “feel” and be happy. I was once again filled with hope.
While she was pregnant, my wife asked me regularly about how I felt. What did I feel? Did I feel any paternal feelings for the bun in the oven? I did not. At least not at first. The pregnancy was still very abstract for me. However, I soon realized that, early on, there is not much you can do or feel as a father since we do not have the same natural connection to the fetus as the mother. As time passed, though, I began to feel more and more for the little child. My feelings got stronger with each ultrasound. Once we hit 30 weeks of pregnancy, and I saw the 3D pictures of the fetus, a wave of emotions hit me. I remember loving her, really loving her at that point.
In November 2012 the apple of my eye, my darling daughter, was born. I can’t explain how I felt that day, my emotions were overwhelming. I could not wait for her to be born, to hold her in my arms, to kiss her or to watch her sleep. I had missed her even before she was born. The birth of a child is said to be a life-changing experience, which I did not believe before, but now I do. It changed me completely and stuff that was important to me isn’t any more… and other stuff is.
It has now been just over 4 months since she was born and every day I feel blessed to have her in my life. Her smiles, her laughter and grip on my finger all bring my world to a halt. The love I have for her is unlike anything I have ever felt.
So what are my feelings about having used a sperm donor? Honestly, I don’t think about it. It has no importance or relevance to me. Maybe it is dwarfed by what I now have. She is my precious little girl and I am her father. Nothing else matters. Nothing else is relevant. Nothing. I actually wonder why I didn’t take this path earlier than I did, but I guess it’s because you only make choices and take paths when you are ready to do so. The funny thing is, everyone who meets my daughter makes the same comment: “She looks just like you!” Funny how things work out.