Royal Advice for the Ages

Dear Duke and Duchess of Cambridge,
I watched your lovely wedding at Westminster Abbey this week. So sorry that I couldn’t make it to the Abbey for the ceremony, but I had to operate that day (and you didn’t actually invite me).  All is forgiven, as I was privileged enough to watch the marriage (from the streets) of Lady Diana and Prince Charles some 30 years ago when I was in London as a college student doing research at St. George’s Hospital. It must have been a great affair and it looked like you both enjoyed yourselves immensely.
I know that it’s early in your relationship, but sooner or later you will look in each others’ eyes (or be told by the Queen) and say “it’s time to start a family.” Best be prepared as it’s gonna happen…to keep the lineage going and all that.
For this reason, I’m be happy to offer you some royal advice on this matter.  No, don’t bother to thank me; it’s my pleasure to help out.  Here are 10 tips for successful family building that I have handed out countless times to couples trying to conceive and it’s worked well for them.  Feel free to tuck it away in your nightstand until the time comes or “ring me up” anytime you like:

  1. Duchess Catherine, although you looked fabulous in that wedding dress, you really must put on a stone or two (a few pounds) of weight. Being too thin or too heavy reduces chances of conception.  Aim for a body mass index of 19-25.
  2. Duke William, spend a little less time with your buddies at the Mahiki or Pig’s Ear tavern and painting the town red; too much sauce (alcohol), fags (cigarettes) and fries (even with vinegar) are poisonous for sperm. Like I always say: All things in moderation; treat your body like a temple.
  3. On that note, the “bangers and beans” served for breakfast at Bucky Palace do not constitute a good antioxidant diet for either of you. Take my advice and start on the Paleo diet, rich in fruits, vegetables and nuts along with occasional bison, boar or elk meat from the palace grounds at Balmoral.
  4. Better yet, head south to the Mediterranean and eat like they do, as they have the single best antioxidant diet for a healthy heart and good fertility.
  5. Surely it must be stressful to be a royal. And believe me, stress wreaks havoc on fertility as well as your relationship. How will you achieve that necessary balance in your lives?  Avoiding the paparazzi is one way.  Regular exercise, yoga, acupuncture and massage are others. Wouldn’t surprise me at all to learn that your level-headed grandmother isn’t doing something like this in her antechamber.
  6. Duke William, stay out of hot baths, tubs, and saunas as these will drop your sperm count like a lead balloon. Showers are fine, especially gold plated ones.
  7. Duchess Catherine, I know that you know that timing is everything. Well, it is also true of conception. Use basal body temperatures or ovulation predictor kits to let you know when to flash that great smile at the Duke.
  8. Duke William, trying to conceive is like hunting. You need to know when to fire and when to reload the gun. Every other day is optimal for baby-making.
  9. Duchess Catherine, consider cutting out the caffeinated coffee at the Ritz, as excess coffee consumption reduces fertility. I’ll get back to you about the tea there as it goes so well with the crumpets and finger sandwiches.
  10. And both of you, get enough rest! For a good sex life, you need energy, you need to relax, and you need time.  Remember that the mind is the largest sexual organ and it controls your “mojo” as Mr. Powers put it, so take care of it.  Hit the kill switch on the TV and computer earlier in the evening.  Turn off Facebook and face each other.  Simply sleep; the sex will follow.