The Penis: An Organ of Artificial Intelligence

Deep Blue computer chip
The computer chip in “Deep Blue” that beat chess champion Gary Kasparov

Artificial intelligence (AI) is on fire right now. But AI is by no means new. The concept was coined 60 years ago by John McCarthy who defined it as “the science and engineering of making intelligent machines.” And there’s been some impressive AI successes since then. Remember when IBM’s Deep Blue beat world chess champion Gary Kasparov in 1997?
Today, we see AI as “the study and design of intelligent agents.” An “intelligent agent” is a system that “perceives its environment and takes actions which maximizes its chances of success.”
Predictions are that AI is 4 years away from the World Series of Poker, 11 years away from expert songwriting and 30 years away from a New York Times bestselling book.

A Machine Like No Other

I would argue that you have a great piece of home-grown-AI right under your belt, and you never knew it. Say hello again to the penis. By any measure, the penis is certainly an “intelligent machine.” Some facts about the penis as machine:

  • It works like a faucet and sink. The nervous system turns on the faucet (arteries) which fills the sink (venous sinuses). A critical interplay for normal erections.
  • Half the length of the penis is inside the body, like the roots of a tree, which secure it to the pelvic bone. This determines the angle of the dangle.
  • It can shrink and grow. Erect penises are almost 50% larger than flaccid ones.
  • The blood pressure within an erect penis is higher than the blood pressure in your body.
  • It takes more energy to keep a penis flaccid than to keep it erect.
  • Normal men experience 3-5 hard erections at night. This is the penis “exercising” to stay in shape.
  • Humans are one of the few mammals that have a bone-free penis. We rely on blood pressure instead of bones for hardness.
  • Penises have a “G-spot” which is on the underside of the glans (head) or shaft in most men.

The True Male Brain

I would also argue that the penis is intelligent. It can tell us a lot about ourselves. Here’s how:

  • It can tell you if you’re stressed
  • It knows if you’re healthy or if you’re abusing your body
  • It can reveal whether you’re headed for heart disease
  • It can suggest that you have a problem with testosterone
  • It’s a great billboard for sexually transmitted diseases
  • It knows how to exercise when its owner doesn’t

I’m sure that Leonardo da Vinci knew how intelligent the penis was when he said: “The penis does not obey the order of its master, who tries to erect or shrink it at will, whereas instead the penis erects freely while its master is asleep. The penis must be said to have its own mind.”
As a biological wonder, it makes perfect sense to consider the penis an AI product. The language of AI also directly speaks to the penis: “soft AI,” “hard AI,” and “narrow AI.” And more than most organs, the penis is certainly capable of “deep learning.” Maybe if you listened to it more, you might learn something new about yourself.